Hi. My Name is Mom and I Can’t Think

There’s a strange phenomenon centered around parents stuck at home all day for longer than they expected. Those experiencing it term the condition Mom Brain (a male equivalent is still in dispute).

Early symptoms include drop in IQ, fatigue, and restless toddler syndrome. Continued exposure to isolated home life results in more serious complications: further cognitive loss, addictions, poor eating habits, not-getting-dressedness, and hopelessness.

Unfortunately, there is no medication currently approved by the FDA that can actually cure this malady.

There are, as many sufferers may admit, several home remedies. These are also not approved by the FDA or even their own mothers.

Those experiencing Mom Brain should not see their doctor; partly because said doctor will have little to contribute besides a confused head-scratching, but mostly because those experiencing Mom Brain will forget to even make the appointment…

Survivors of the condition have no suggestions, alluding to something called “time.” They then add a laugh, commiserative pat, and a walk-away with a spring to their step that they are no longer going through life looking like a zombie.

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©2020 Chelsea Owens

Photo Credit: Jen Theodore

You Might Have a New Baby If…

You might have a new baby if:

  • Every room has decorative accents of burp cloths, diaper supplies, and pacifiers.
  • Conversations are held in whispers and gestures.
  • Time becomes “a day without a night and a night without a day.”
    Or, if you’d rather, “a hard day’s night.”
  • Random baby items like socks or Onesies show up in every load of laundry. They’re not always ones you recognize.
  • You call everyone in the family “You” or the baby’s name. Sex doesn’t matter.
  • Sex doesn’t matter.
  • While you’ve worn the same pair of pants for days, the baby ends up ‘wearing’ whatever looks passable by bedtime.
  • Dinner is now served to the hit song “It’s My Evening and I’ll Cry if I Want To.”
  • Holding the baby becomes both a reward and a threat.
  • Everyone’s voice has become higher-pitched, and their words end with “ootchie.”
  • No one seems to mind any of this

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©2020 Chelsea Owens

Photo Credit: Filip Mroz

Image result for funny parenting quotes

“Before becoming a parent, I didn’t know I could ruin someone’s life by asking them to put pants on.”

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“I just had to apologize to a toy alligator and kiss a racecar goodnight. Parenthood is weirder than I thought it’d be.”

Thank you, Pinterest.

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“I need a new maid because the current one sucks. Also, she is me.”